Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I will pee on everything he values.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize