listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
