upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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