Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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