if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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