We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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