I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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