why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
