Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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