Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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