it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
