I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
