Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
