I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
