I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
