i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize