If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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