omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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