I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
