Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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