So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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