My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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