So drunk its hurt
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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