Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
