he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
