I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
