Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
