I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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