Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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