mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
