I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
