Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
