I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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