I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize