Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
