I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
