I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
