Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
