he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
