Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
