i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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