If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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