The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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