i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
