Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
