the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
