how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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