Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
