You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
