You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
