So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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