When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
