So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
