I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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