I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
