my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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