The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
