you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
