I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
