I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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