sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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