I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
